Hurt
by thexxit
Summary: Twice As Far (6:14) episode accompaniment. Inside Carol's head.
Title: Hurt
Category: The Walking Dead  
Summary: Twice As Far (6:14) episode accompaniment. Inside Carol's head.  
Rating: NC-17 – sexual situations  
Spoilers: I think you should know up to this point in the series

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, I think I would give this woman some happiness. I also feel like we've seen this before: danger looming, Carol leaving... I will NOT be happy if this is Carol's demise. But, then I will also be pretty upset if any of my other beloved characters dies. But, it would be super cheesy if Carol comes in and saves the day again. I don't know what to say, I'm just hoping for the best.

I wrote this while high on drugs (prescribed to me for real!) and battling a fever after an exhausting week of taking care of my sick toddler. Please forgive any mistakes. Also forgive me if it stinks.

I also hate the title, I just didn't know what to call it.

* * *

She's passive as Tobin undresses her. He doesn't seem to notice, not that she would know how to actively participate even if she were inclined to. Her only other sexual partner had been Ed, and he preferred her practically incapacitated.

It hurts when he enters her because she is not particularly aroused and it has been a very long time. He mistakes her gasp for pleasure and hums in her ear. She turns her head away from him so he won't see the shame in her eyes. In her mind, she is using him as much as Ed had used her. She doesn't love him, though he is a nice enough man. Instead, he is someone who can distract her in the worst way possible. He is one who wouldn't ask questions and doesn't know her well enough to know that something is wrong. She can lie to him and get away with it. She can hate herself for being with him and he would be none the wiser. And she wanted to hate herself. She wanted others to hate her, too.

Accidentally he touches her just right, and a spark of pleasure shoots through her, and she guiltily conjures up the fantasies she once had of someone else touching her that way, and bites her lip to stop from sighing his name. Once upon a time when they were safe in their prison home she thought maybe she and Daryl could make a go of it. Long, late night talks and sly touches made her feel desirable and god knows she desired him. Now she wants to hurt him. She wants him to catch her and Tobin. She wants to see that pain on his face turn into anger. She wants him to push her away just as he did that day in the stables on the Green farm, when he desperately searched for her daughter and gave her hope and redeemed her faith in men and made her fall deeply in love with him. She wants him to know that she doesn't deserve to love him because anyone she loves ends up dead, and she has tried everything to change that. She sheltered her baby girl so much that she was terrified, unable to defend herself. She tried so hard to avoid the same mistakes with Lizzie and Mika, but she failed again. Once more she tried to teach Sam the importance of using fear to empower, but now he is dead. She is a cold blooded killer, and those she killed for paid the price. If she loses Maggie or Glenn or Michonne or Carl she couldn't bear it. If she loses Daryl, she will curl up into a ball and never get up again.

"Carol... I'm close..."

Tobin's a gentleman, and though Ed never cared for her pleasure, he sometimes bullied her into pretending to enjoy it. She fakes an orgasm and he groans as he empties into her. She feels nauseous.

"I need to get up," she says as he tries to kiss her and touch her breast. She pushes him off of her and rushes to the bathroom, grabbing her clothes along the way. She shuts the door and doesn't turn the light on, not wanting to face herself in the mirror. She climbs into the bathtub and runs the water, trying her hardest to clean herself inside and out.

Thirty minutes later she comes out, skin red from the scalding water she wasted trying to scrub herself of something that won't come off. She's fully dressed and searches for her boots, but Tobin isn't asleep.

"Hey," he says. "What are you doing?"

"I better get back."

"You're kidding. Come on, Carol. Spend the night."

"I really should go. No one knows where I am."

"I'd shout it from the rooftops if you'd let me," he says, sitting up and grabbing her hand. "Come on, Carol. I missed you while you were gone. You never told me what happened. Stay. We can talk."

She looks at him. He's easy enough to fool, and avoiding the can of worms she opened by telling Daryl she was not okay sounds very appealing. He's probably sitting in the living room of their shared home, sharpening his knife or whittling away at some pieces of wood, turning them into sharp spikes instead of sculptures. He's probably in the dark but on full alert, eyes flicking to the door at ever sound, ready to pounce on her with concern and caring. He's the only one who's ever truly understood her, and right now she feels it as a burden, not a relief.

"Okay," she tells Tobin, leaving her clothes on but taking off her holster. She slips into bed, facing away from him. She wishes he would get dressed too.

He hugs her and kisses her neck and she feels him open his mouth to speak but she beats him to the punch.

"I'm really tired."

"Oh," he says, sounding disappointed. "Okay. Goodnight, Carol."

"Goodnight."

It's a long time before she sleeps, and even then it's very light. She's awake before dawn and quietly tip toes out of the room. She is scared that the unrelenting Daryl may still be waiting for her, so she sits on Tobin's porch until the sun rises.

Using Tobin isn't the answer, she realizes. She would rather die than let Daryl down like she almost let Maggie down. Her crisis of faith will cost someone and before that can happen she has to leave. She just needs to see him once more. She needs to look into his eyes and memorize his face before she goes.

Carol goes into Tobin's house and scratches out a heartfelt Dear John, not to him, but to her family. She finds Daryl with a motorbike and out of habit tries to make him see that his beautiful, open, loving heart should be careful. She's not worth loving. Maybe no one is.

He knows something is wrong and he asks it the only way he knows how, and she avoids the question, just as she knows how. She cries silent, hot tears on her way back to her room, gathers her things, steals a bit of food - just enough to get by for a day or so - and sneaks out. No one will miss her until Tobin returns at night and sees her note. She'll have almost eight hours on them by then.

Of course she's not stupid enough to think Daryl won't come after her. Just as he did with Sophia, he'll probably move heaven and earth to try and find her. But she knows him well, and she knows how to elude him. Maybe she can even find these "Saviours," Negan and his group. Maybe she can talk sense into them, and if not, maybe she'll force herself to kill them. Maybe it'll be the last thing she ever does.


End file.
